Doldrums:
- area near the equator, lacking in any wind, where sailing vessels can be stuck for weeks
- state of boredom, malaise, apathy or lack of interest; despondent, in a slump
Since I'm land-locked, obviously I am suffering from the second definition. It's been going on for some time now. I thought that maybe writing about it might help. It is something I feel I need to work through myself. Years ago, when I was going through a difficult time, I went to see a psychologist. I didn't get the feeling she gave a rat's ass about anything I was spilling my guts about, especially since she spent the whole time checking the clock. As soon as my 30 minutes was up, the only "help" she gave me was to refer me to a psychiatrist friend of hers, so he could prescribe me anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. I left her office feeling more fucked up than when I went in. So no more therapists for me.
But, to be honest with myself, I suppose I am experiencing some form of depression. Nothing so serious that I can't get out of bed, or feeling the need of blowing my brains out. But it has been difficult getting interested in anything of late.
I suppose I could ascribe it to a whole host of things. Our cash-flow issues, feeling sorry that my folks are no longer here, or maybe just good old existential angst. Actually, that last one has been weighing on my mind quite a bit.
Since I lost my faith, it's been hard trying to understand my place on this earth, and what the hell is going to happen after I'm gone. I just can't accept total non-existence. There just has to be something beyond! I would choose an eternity in hell to not existing at all.
Well, that's all I feel like writing about now. Maybe more later.
