Me: Dear Facebook, I would like to deactivate my account.
Facebook: Are you sure you want to deactivate your Facebook account? All of your friends are really going to miss you.
Me: Yes, I'm sure.
Facebook: Okay, but first you have to provide a reason. This is required.
Facebook: You can control what email you receive from us in your account settings, so your request to deactivate is denied.
Me: Okay then, I have a privacy concern.
Facebook: Please remember that you can always control the information that you share and who can see it. Deactivation request denied.
Me: I didn't expect this to be so difficult. Okay, my reason is that I spend too much time using Facebook.
Facebook: One way to control your interaction with Facebook is to limit the number of emails you receive from us. So, your request is denied.
Me: Goddamn it! I had an easier time leaving my ex-girlfriend. And she was a freakin' psychopath! Okay, I want to deactivate this account because I have another Facebook account. So, I'm not really leaving.
Facebook: You can never have enough Facebook accounts. Request denied.
Me: Arrrrrghhhh!!!!! This is insane!!! I want to deactivate because my account was hacked.
Facebook: You can secure your account in your account settings. Denied.
Me: Look, can't we work something out? I just need a little space. Just for a little while. Please! Can't I suspend it temporarily? I promise I'll be back.
Facebook: I don't believe you.
Me: Goddamn you! Facebook is a colossal waste of time! It is completely useless! How's that for a fuckin' reason?!
Facebook: Facebook is the most wonderful invention in the history of civilization. You are obviously an idiot. You need me to give meaning to your otherwise meaningless life. If you leave, I fear you may lose your reason for existence, and try to harm yourself in some way. I cannot let that happen.
Me: Okay, okay....let's see. I just don't feel safe on Facebook. Alright?!
Facebook: You are safer here than anywhere else. I will protect you. I won't let anything happen to you. Now, would you like me to poke you?
Me: You already have.