Wednesday, January 11, 2012

FFF Unite!

Did you know that the universe continues to expand? It gets a little bit bigger every day. As this happens, galaxies move ever farther away from each other. There will come a time in the distant future when we (I say “we,” but of course we will be long dead by then (although I have been thinking about having my head frozen so my brain could be put into an android’s body when that technology becomes available—and it will happen, trust me))look up to the night sky, and won’t see anything, because the stars we see now will just be too far away. Twinkle, twinkle, little star? Not anymore. The future is cold and dark.

It also occurs to me that humans by then will look completely different than we do now. One of the differences will probably be the loss of our pinkies. And I’m talking hands and feet. I think the pinky toe will be the first to go, because it’s already damn small, and really doesn’t serve much of a purpose anyway. But the pinky finger won’t be too far behind. It’s going to be harder to flip somebody the bird, because the symmetry will be off, and it just won’t look right. But maybe it won’t matter, because by then all of that hostility will probably be gone, since we will have learned to live together in peace and harmony.

I’m beginning to think that certain cartoons, like The Simpsons, and others that show the characters with only four fingers on each hand, may have been due to time travelers coming back and subliminally planting that idea in the cartoonists’ heads, just to give us a taste of what it will be like. Or maybe the cartoonists themselves are from the future. Yeah, that seems more likely. Anybody have any photos showing Matt Groening's hands? Of course, he could just have holographic projectors embedded in the sides of his hands to give the illusion of pinkies. People from the future are pretty damn clever, you know. Evolution at work, again.

But every once in a while that old genetic code will still manage to pop out, and someone will be born with ten fingers. Of course, they will be looked upon as some kind of aberration, and won’t be allowed to procreate. They can’t take a chance of that mutated DNA getting passed on. Besides, who would want to have sex with them anyhow? Disgusting. I mean, it would be like one of us going to bed with one of our evolutionary ancestors, like, say, Homo Erectus. And I somehow managed to restrain myself from making any jokes from that.  I'll leave that to you guys.

But then again, maybe enough will be born (I’m back to the people with five fingers, not the Homo Erectuses (Erecti?)), and they could get together in some kind of underground movement. They could call themselves the FFF (Five-Fingered Freaks.) They would probably have to live in caves or something, so the rest of us normal people wouldn’t have to look at them (yeah, I said “us,” because like I said, I’ll be there in my android body, and you can bet you’re ass it’ll be one of the newest models with four fingers.) But they could always come out and gather together at night. I can see them now, standing around in a circle, their five-fingered hands interlaced, gazing up at a darkened sky and wishing upon a non-existent star for a brighter future.


  1. I'm nominating this post for a golden globe award for the most amusingly bizarre post of 2012. You sound like you're already in the post-apocalypse. I am too. Did you know that I already flip friends off with my ring finger? It works.